Tough time

So I have been trucking along these past few months. Business has been growing,my husband joined the company, and Ella is doing great. We have been getting to know foster teens and I have been using my wheel chair so I can go out and do fun things like the county faire. Today, I am really struggling though. Here is my boo-hoo post.

1. I hurt ALL.THE.TIME. The pain makes it hard to sleep, drive, and walk. I am also exhausted constantly and frequently need 4 hour long naps mid-day.

2. My medications make me nauseous all day long. I got some sea sickness bracelets and some Reglan so that might help.

3. I let one staff person go and another just stopped coming to work. So now I am down 2 staff and hiring 2 more. I also planned to grow and add another staff person. So, I have to start 3 new people. Two of the positions are covered but I am really struggling to find a 3rd.

4. Work life balance is totally broken.

5. Newest lab tests say my kidneys are starting to shut down and I will probably need to start the IV antibiotics in 6 weeks.

6. We still keep holding out hope that our teen will change her mind. She won't. We care so deeply for her and it makes us sad.

7. I am ignoring Baby E. I spend all day on this damn computer and I feel terrible. We are considering sending her to school in the Fall and that breaks my heart. We planned to be homeschoolers and I LOVE hanging out with my baby. It is so stressful trying to decide if we should accept a great preschool option now or potentially get stuck in a terrible school (which is a huge worry where we live). I hate that I have to worry about this!

7. The Olympics ended! I know this is silly but this was really hard for me. The Olympics were a special short-term thing and I spent many evenings doing work right through them. So now that it is over it seems to signify my failure to manage home and work life. Silly I know but I cried like a baby when DH told Baby E "You will be 7 next time the Summer Olympics are one!" Okay well that is enough feeling sorry for myself for today. Tomorrow will be better. That has to be true eventually.

Tough time

More Lyme

I was feeling so good! Now I am a puddle again. I was declining since Thursday but really over-did it while camping. I spent much of yesterday in bed or sitting. I am back in all of my braces which is no fun in this heat. Today I had a Lyme Doctors appointment and was so exhausted it was hard to get out of the house! The doctor reviewed some recent tests and I came back positive for 3 viruses in addition to my 4 bacteria friends. Apparently they aren't active infections but can get pretty nasty if I become more immuno-compromised. I also have a weird bacteria on my tongue that is turning it yellow! Apparently, there is no treatment and it might turn black before it gets better. Yuck!

The head doctor came to meet with me and said my case was very complicated and suggested IV antibotics.I panicked and he said we can wait 6 weeks and see what happens. Since I had my "holiday" of symptoms he says that it is less urgent.

Basically, they are keeping me on the same medications but are going to try to boost my immune system. They are giving me some herbal stuff, some homeopathic treatments, and a bunch of probiotics. They are also putting me on a detox. I am a bit overwhelmed by it all but also hopeful it might work! They told me that they don't want me to herx (have my symptoms worsen) because I don't have any reserve strength. They want me to just fight it slowly and pull back on meds if I feel too sick.

I am not feeling scared and am really comforted by the notion that I am not dying and this is not permanent (yet). For now, I get to push through this new regiment. I may be in and our of commission for a few weeks but then, hopefully, I will make steady progress. If not, I have to go to IV antibotics and that terrified me!

In other news, Ella does have Lyme but she she has no symptoms they don't want to treat her. They want us to closely monitor her for any signs that it is active though.

Feeling a little better

I have been having some great days! I wish I had written this 2 days ago because I hadn’t had any bad days. I haven’t worn my knee brace in 3 days, I hadn’t worn my wrist braces in about 5 days, and had been pain free! I was still a little slow and energy only at medium. But, I went grocery shopping twice, packed for a camping trip, and worked several full days. I even jogged across a street once to get past a car that was waiting for me to cross!

Today has been tougher. I am wearing one wrist brace and my hips hurt a lot. I am resting all afternoon and I hope that helps. I think I over-did it. But, I am camping this weekend and plan to relax. I am leaving the cell phone and computer at home! So, hopefully I will continue to feel better. I am still taking 3 antibiotics and chloroquin. The latter gives me nightmares which really sucks but at least I have energy during the day.

I am also drinking more water and mix of apple cidar vinegar, water, honey, lemon juice, and cinnamon. I am really trying to eat whole natural foods as well. So, fingers crossed I am improving!

More Lyme

Lyme Disease sucks. I am getting worse and feeling like I will never get better. I need to change my attitude and remember that next week could be better. Right now the arthritis in my knees is so bad that I can barely walk. I am unable to sleep due to the pain at night. In theory, this increase in symptoms is the result of treatment killing of Lyme bacteria but it doesn’t make me feel any better physically. My doctor just gave approval for a handicapped parking pass and I am laying down all the time.

To make things even more exciting, on Saturday I started having shaking in my hand that lasted about 15 minutes. It looked like a Parkinson’s episode and was horrible. Since then my hand feels weak and a little numb.

I see my DO today to see if she has any tips for my knees. In the meantime, I am suffering. I find I actually feel the best when I am distracted. So, I am trying to keep busy and continue to live life while watching my physical exertion.

Everyone is related to someone and then they die

E has been interested in relationships for a long time. She loves to repeat that "Yaya is Daddy's mommy" and that "Gramps is Mommy's daddy". In conjunction with the death talk, she has realized that Yaya and Papous had mommies and daddies who are now dead. She talks about this a lot and is very interested in how it all works. She asks if they miss them. Tonight she asked if they died when they became a mommy and daddy. They explained that it was a long time after they had kids.

Then she said something she has been saying these past three days, "Mommy isn't my mommy. I have a mommy named Fredrick. Fredrick lives in California." I suggested that she was pretending and told her I would pretend as well. She shook her head and said "I am not pretending! Fredrick is my real mom." I wasn't sure what to say since she usually agrees that things are pretend and we play from there. She asked me a few times to ask her who her mom was so she could report "Fredrick". She said her dad is named "blah dooo goo dahh loo". I am not sure how to respond. I tried giving her a big hug and saying that I loved her so much and would always be her mom no matter what but she just told me I wasn't her mom. I am pretty sure it is related to the death issue and possibly the fact that we foster.

Any advice? Do I play along? Do I continue to reassure that I am her mom? We aren't worried about her knowing about death. I am concerned about her worrying about it too much though. Thanks for your insight!

Death

Baby E found a dead bird a few weeks ago. She was very interested in it and we used it to talk about death. There were bugs on it so we talked about the circle of life and how the bird will help other creatures live and become part of the earth. She mentions this and when she tried to dart into the road one day she said "I don't want to be hit by the car and be dead like the bird."

A few days ago she asked me if I would die. I told her I probably wouldn't die until I am very old. She asked what old meant. I told her I wouldn't be old until after she had a baby and her baby was big. I thought it wasn't the best explanation but couldn't figure out how to tell her what old meant.

Tonight we were cuddled in bed and she said, "Mommy, I want to grow up and be just like you." I smiled and asked her what that meant. She said "I will be a nice mommy. When I am a mommy will you be old and get dead?" I tried to explain to her that I won't die when she has a baby. I said most people die after they are 80 and then counted from 29 to 80 to show her how far away that number was.

She doesn't seemed worried- just curious. But I'd love advice on how you all explain this concept!