Life as a mother is very different than I expected it to be.
I have always been a career driven woman. I love my work (as a Board Certified Behavior Analyst), I am good at my job, and I have enjoyed being independent. I have a solid education (graduate degree etc) and have always been successful. When Tom and I decided to have a baby, I did not think any of this would change.
I imagined I would love my baby and I was very excited to raise her. But, it never occurred to me that I would want to be a stay at home mom. I never thought I would want to breastfeed past 2 years old. I never thought I would want to carry her in a sling all day long. I never thought I would want her to sleep in my bed. I never thought I would spent all my time thinking about her.
When Eleanor was born, this all changed. I am amazed by how much I want to be near her. I still love my work but would be willing to leave it behind for a few years. I will continue to work because we need the income and because I am really making a difference in the lives of the families I work for, but every time I leave Ella (who happens to be having trouble with the separation and cries the entire 4 hours I am away), I feel so sad.
Tom made me a CD of songs from my labor. I listen to that while I drive to work (I only work 15 hours a week) and that helps a little. I think about my labor, her birth, and how amazing that experience was. I sometimes think about what it would be like to have a second (though our plan has always been to adopt #2). I often daydream about having a second infant.
When I was pregnant, I worried about being "tied" to my baby. I feared the lack of freedom, I was grossed out about breastfeeding, and I was nervous that I would be bored with my infant. Nothing could be further from reality.
I am so happy with my baby. I do feel tied to her . . . . but in such a wonderful way! Everything is better than I imagined. While Motherhood has been hard at times, it so much more incredible than I ever could have imagined. Breastfeeding took some time to work (Ella's tongue-tie has been a challenge but 2 clippings later we are doing well), it is hard being alone all day and I do wish Tom were home more (I am so lucky to have him for every summer though and Ella and I have a great time alone), and sometimes I am exhausted. But, right now, I am at the point where I can not imagine life without Ella and I am so in love with her I can barely stand it. I am so happy to be a mom.
I hadn't intended this entry to be so sappy . . . but that is what happens at 2am I suppose.
Thanks for reading.